Painting 1 - "Courageous, Life-Loving Fighter"

Painting 1: Courageous, Life-Loving Fighter.

For most of my life, I have grieved the loss of many loved ones in such confusion. I didn’t know how to work through my feelings of grief because I didn’t fully understand why people came into my life that I loved so much and then they were just suddenly gone?

I just knew I had a flood of mixed feelings that mainly included deep sadness of missing them and extreme unease and panic that something terrible was going to happen to others that I loved at any given moment. I didn’t want to fall or stay asleep, go anywhere without any of my loved ones… or even look away for that matter because what if I were to never see them again? :(

As I began throwing rocks with globs of paint and letting myself feel how I actually felt as a little girl through my teens and young adult years, I thought about the courage it has taken to get me where I am today because “that girl” has had to fight harder than most people realize to find her way through life. She could have chosen to see life in a negative light, but through all of her heartache, confusion and loneliness, she has chosen to see life in a positive light…

There may have been times, she wanted to give up and whole heartily believed she was going to, but she didn’t… she found her courage and fought every time. There has always been this piece of her heart that absolutely loves life despite the toughest challenges.. When I think about “that girl” I think of her as:

A courageous, life-loving Fighter.

As I listened to my, “Missing you forever” playlist and continued to throw rocks with globs of paint, I couldn’t help but connect deeply with “this girl” because the trauma I’ve endured isn’t something that just disappears unfortunately. I’m still the same girl now – just as an adult, doing my best to be a responsible parent and person. It isn’t easy to find courage and fight every day, just like it wasn’t throughout my childhood, teens and young adulthood, but I do it, just like I did then. When I’m down, that life-loving piece of my heart lights up, and I follow that and move forward, knowing (and / or sometimes crying and having to remind myself)... that happy times are always around the corner.

I know this about myself, but this painting reiterates it:
my biggest fight in life is that I continue to hold pain inside every day. I have held this pain my entire life because those loved ones can never be replaced, and life has never been and never will be the same without them, but it is this thought and feeling that lead to the vibrant color throughout the painting.

How can I NOT add color when they filled my life with color? It’s like a symbol of their presence in my life. The color they added can never fade. It’ll forever remain, and they will at all times, be a part of me. The memories of them brighten my world today, and when I smile, they are everlastingly, part of the reason. Memories can’t be taken away even through tragedy. Some people may prefer to block them out, but I know for me, I prefer to let the memories circle around any stubborn gloom that insists on sticking around, doing my best to let the happy times overpower the sad times.

As for the white lines? White is a telling color, isn’t it?

This was the start to adding the finishing touches to my paintings in this set. It wasn’t planned, and I think it’s apparent, they weren’t made with throwing rocks, but throwing definitely remained my niche:) There was just something in me that felt I had much more to express in a spiritual way, and I needed to speak louder… so… I did! …very impulsively!

As I reminisce painting the white lines, I recall a rush of good energy as I tried to sort through what the good energy was about?

I think I felt that I was finally giving “that girl” some credit for surviving what has felt too companion-less, disconcerting and upsetting to survive at times. It is very emotionally depleting, going through life being “different” in this way. You view life from contrasting angles, and you are viewed as irrational or odd or whatever people decide, but no matter what people say or think, somewhere deep within, you always know better about yourself because you have learned the meaning to life earlier than many and / or your responses or reactions are just not the same as others who have gone through loss. My journey has been a unique combination of rare traumas, and so maybe, I AM different, but then, give me some credit…

While painting the white lines, I just felt a sense of gratefulness. I felt grateful for my loved ones that I’ve lost. I felt grateful for my journey in life… even though I have barely made it at times. I felt grateful for the loved ones I have here and everything in life that I have now that I wouldn’t have known had I not made it.

I also felt a little bit of hesitancy because I know that just because I’m giving “that girl” some credit, and I’m grateful, doesn’t mean that I have made it… I have a lot of life left to live and survive (hopefully). This is probably an area that I need to focus on though because I noticed the rush of good energy and then eventually, a bit of hesitancy came sneaking in, and as usual, I had to find my courage and fight the anxiety off and remind myself that I don’t have the control… story of my life right there!

But here I am….

I see now, after this painting, that I should be proud of the courageous, life-loving fighter that I have taught myself to be and am. I don’t always take the time to reminisce about the “that young girl” who survived the life-long, complicated, grieving process (not knowing that is what it was) Nor, do I stop and take in the fact that the woman I’ve become is still “that girl” holding in a lot of those mixed feelings because… who wouldn’t?

But there is one thing I know for sure, through my worst sadness and sorrow, through my worst fear and suffering, through the craziness of the worst chaos and worst disturbances in life...

I have always come out on top.

For a while, I bounced back and forth as I questioned if it was realistic of me to wonder, if people were hard-core, manipulatively, attempting to bring me down on purpose? I couldn’t fathom the thought or feeling, so I shrugged it off. Even now, I find myself shrugging from time to time. The truth is, I have learned through courageous, life-loving fighting, that many people love to try to bring this courageous, life-loving fighter down…

Maybe they view me as an easy target because I love deeply and easily? I mean, a cactus isn’t going to walk up to another cactus and try to take their prickliness out on it?!! A cactus is going to find … I don’t know… a soft, fluffy, pillow or something?? :)

Maybe it’s because I see (or at least do my best to see) pretty colors everywhere and believe everyone should accept and help one another?
Society thrives on drama and negativity, so if I try to fix it, then I’m taking away something that is “needed,” I guess?? And that is something that would upset cactuses :) Soft, fluffy pillows, however, are there to help you rest and comfort you. I don’t know if I’m calling myself a soft, fluffy pillow now or what, but it’s not a bad self-compliment… at least it’s not a put down? I’m not calling myself a cactus! Though, I do love cactuses too:) I’ve also been a cactus at times – and I haven’t appreciated that about myself, and I guess depending on what we are fully referring to as a cactus… I may get a little cactus-y now and again currently, but for everyone’s sake, I’ll stop this tangent now…!

Where was I? Oh yes…

Or maybe it’s because I simply want to help everyone feel content and safe because why would I want anyone to have to feel the way I have throughout my life? …………????

I can think of a lot of groundless reasons, people (or I guess at this point, I’m referring to mean people as cactuses – but I probably shouldn’t name-call), would try to bring me down, but it has taken me a lifetime of learning the psych behind it. I have had to go through many unwanted scenarios to learn to understand the reasons behind hurting others to raise your self-esteem. Making people feel better – even “cactuses” makes me feel better, however, this is probably why I’ve gotten myself into some not so great, repetitive cycles in my life. Read about painting #2 – “Complexity and Chaos or…???”

Back to what I was originally talking about though:

And though, grieving and stumbling through complex hardships from a toddler to adulthood causes ongoing storms, it also has given me an ongoing, beautiful perspective on life that I have grown to realize many can’t and are truly unable to see the way that I do.

It has forced me into a vivid clarity that shows I haven’t been inaccurate. I have been and am, in many ways, alone because in this way, my life IS different.

my soul feels things that are irrational in others’ minds, and it takes an abundance of mental, emotional and even physical strength to be a courageous, life-loving fighter.

People don’t understand me, and I’ve come to fully see and accept that most likely, they never will. I’m truly okay with it because I wouldn’t want to be anyone other than myself, and I’m okay being a courageous, life-loving fighter on my own. I’ve done it my entire life so far, and I can continue.
If someone happens to come along and can relate to me or can take the time to understand and have a heart for me, it’ll be a nice surprise, but I’ll be okay if this doesn’t happen…. Because you know why… I’m a….

Courageous, Life-Loving Fighter.

I thought this painting was only going to show how much I miss and crave all of my loved ones daily because the ache my heart feels for them every second, never stops, EVER...

but their spirits were for sure with me on this one, and now I look at this painting as if it’s a memory of us together… painting my 1st piece… to my very 1st set of paintings...

and it’s incredibly special to me because it took a great amount of tenacity for me to follow this nagging voice that was kindly demanding that I follow through with this healing-spark of an idea… throwing painted rocks at aluminum to release my inner mix of complicated emotions…

I’m a courageous, life-loving fighter. Always.

Thanks to them… and thanks to myself.

Love,
KP